Three People on a Train

This is story about three groups of train passengers.

The first group of train passengers were semi-drunk and loud people for whom 'class' was something they stopped attending in primary school. I felt uncomfortable so I got off the train.

The second train passenger was a guy who talked out-loud to himself. I think he was actually having a conversation: he used different voices. He made me uncomfortable, too, but I didn't get off the train as I was running late.

The last passenger was a muslim guy: the beard, the crotcheted skull cap and the beads that the Catholics turned into rosaries. He had his eyes closed and was moving his lips as he prayed. He didn't make me feel uncomfortable but I was amused at one lady who got on the train at one station, noticed him, and got off at the next.

Dear Jesus

Dear Jesus,

I like guys. I like them in that way. Euphemistically, I enjoy knowing guys in the Biblical sense. Lots of people say that this is wrong but as you know, I was created in God's image and so He obviously enjoys guys like I do and that must mean its ok. Unless He has internalised homophobia or something. But then, the Bible is all men-this, men-that which shows to me a certain proclivity on God's behalf, don't you think? I know that anything I write has mostly guys in it for exactly that reason.

Besides, even if that weren't the case it would seem pityingly petty of God to give us, of all His creations, Free Will and then punish us for actually using it! Those who would suggest this are laughingly misled! To consider God to be such a petty bastard is both pathetically sad and obviously blasphemous. Besides which, there are many animals without Free Will that behave in a homosexual manner so it obviously part of God's ineffable plan that such things exist. To belittle that plan would be to belittle God, and we couldn't have that, now, could we?

(In that previous paragraph, I refered to God as a "petty bastard", I'm not sure that, when refering to Him in that way, that I should capitalise the words? "Petty Bastard"? I apologise if I've caused any offence by not doing so.)

You and I, Jesus, we know this but it pains me that there are so many people who are misled by their own insecurities and evil tendencies to do things in God's name that are obviously not his desire.

Sure, this is the same God who enticed the Hittites, and the Girgashites, and the Amorites, and the Canaanites, and the Perizzites, and the Hivites, and the Jebusites to attack the Israelites and then had the Israelites smite them. But I imagine he's grown out of that pubescent phase and has moved on to have a more mature and tempered outlook on life now. So we'll not hold that against him now, will we?

And sure, He did all that horrible shit to Job just because he got tired of Satan teasing Him. But we can forgive Him his inability to rise above Satan's ribbing as nobody's perfect. And who hasn't pushed another person, like a sore tooth, to see how far you can go before they explode? Its only human.

So anyway, it seems to me there are idiots out there who dwell on the mistakes God made when He was younger and still growing into His role rather than looking at the successes of the recent past wherein He's obviously taken a far less intraventionist role and let people do with their Free Will as they see fit.

In regards to the idiots who dwell on the past, I find them a little disconcerting and wonder if you could provide me some help with figuring out how to fix these people?

I would be willing to be the Sword of God but that seems to be a bit last century. If you could guarantee success I'd prefer suing them for being idiots who deliberatly misrepresnt God. That's a more up to date way of getting things done. Unless its a whole country of like minded types, then we can invade them, which would be kind of cool. Especially if you arrange for them to have some useful natural resource that we'd want.

Anyway, I eargerly await your reply, Jesus.

Yours sincerely,
Brian

PS:
Please respond via return address as I don't often take notice of the voices in my head- there's so much spam.

PPS:
Thank God for me regarding the prostate, it feels so good. Just another proof that I am truly in His image in regards to the liking of guys.

America the Beautiful Part II

Wankers.

Oh, and its been brought to my attention that in the previous blog I misquoted the article. I thought it said 'in totally other countries' whereas it actually says 'totally in other countries'. So, while I still hold the gist of my article to be true, the particular example was wrong. Oh well.

But don't think that that means the Americans are ok or anything: The following is from the Sydney Morning Herald:

THE Bush Administration has unveiled a blueprint for rebuilding the US's decrepit nuclear weapons complex, including restoration of a large-scale bomb manufacturing facility.

The plan calls for the most sweeping realignment and modernisation of laboratories and factories involved in building nuclear bombs since the Cold War. The US has depended on ageing bombs produced during that period. But now the Administration wants to be able to produce 125 new nuclear bombs per year by 2022.

Oh joy.

125 per year? Just how many people do they want to bomb? Can they use these in their war on terror? Shit, if they're that stupid then I hope they start by bombing the terrorist cells in America first. Say, the Whitehouse for instance.

When they do shit like this how can they wonder why the world hates them?

When they do shit like this how can they possibly believe they have the right to stop Iran doing 'non peaceful' stuff with their uranium?

What makes America exempt from these things? Those arrogant fucks.

The American government, you know, the one that:

• financially supported the Taliban;
• helped Suddam Hussein;
• runs Guantanamo;
• spies on its citizens;
• runs Al Graib; and
  
• really, really, wants Iraqi oil so it doesn't have to sign the Kyoto Agreement.

If they're really, truly against terrorism and facism then, like charity, they should start at home; they should kill themselves.

In a democracy its difficult to differentiate the idiocy of the government from the idiocy of its electorate. But its hard to believe that such a large country can have such a low IQ.

These are scary times. Not because of the terrorists, but because of the US.

America the Beautiful

A friend of mine directed me to this fantastic quote:

I will warn you that this book is set totally in other countries and therefore some scenes may be hard to read.

The quote can be found in context here; its the first review (at the moment) on that page.

The whole review sounds like its written by a semi-literate, low-IQ high school student or an average American.

Ah, Americans, you gotta love them (lest they invade you or something). Their collective ignorance of the outside world ("other countries" how audacious to write such a book) coupled with their aggressive foreign policy is a joy to behold.

What are "totally other countries" anyway? Is Canada a somewhat other country? Is Iraq a somewhat American country?

I can imagine two yanks reading the review:

Yank One: What does it mean 'other countries'?
Yank Two: Its a typo, there isn't meant to be an 'r' in 'counties'.

My friend who gave me the link commented "Must be hard to be American; to know you are at the centre of the universe but everyone in the universe hates you". What a misguided thing to say. Americans are too ignorant to know that anyone exists, let alone hates them.

Oh well, as long as the got big guns and bombs and the indescretion to use them, they'll continue having 'allies' in the world, just as every school yard bully has allies- those who know to "keep your friends close and your enemies closer".

I just hope that the fascism that is oozing out of the US wont corrupt the rest of the world via the incessant Cultural Imperialism that America spews out.

What does a 5,000 pound gorilla do? Anything it wants.

Stroppy

Stroppy is my snake. Pet snake, that is; I'm not one to go around naming my penis. He is a Cape Your Carpet Python.

The colour is a bit off because of the UV lighting and blue heat lamps in the terarium.
I've attempted to adjust it but don't care enough to do it properly.

'Stroppy' is Australian slang which means 'grumpy, pouting, vindictive'. Stroppy is stroppy.

Anyway, he's a big boy now, about 5 foot long (150 cm) so, coupled with the fact that the thermostat was fucked, it prompted me to get him a bigger terrarium. He's been upgraded from a 3 x 3 x 3 foot box to a 6 x 2.5 x 2.5 foot box. Lucky him.

It took him a couple of days but now he's found a tiny little hole in that vast wilderness to curl up in. I don't know why I bothered to pay for the rest of the space if all he's going to do is hide in there, the ungrateful little shit.

Oh well, he's still cute.

I am Earthworm Hear Me Roar.

Why do humans have such a proclivity to fuck with nature? They're either chopping down and burning swathes of rain forest or they are trying to save the giant panda from a devastating lack of libido, coordination and sperm-count.

Both activities are equally arrogant.

Humans have this notion that they are in someway a superior being to the trees they burn and the pandas they save. Well, ok, the pandas do lose. Let's say, better than the trees they burn and the earthworms they grow in their compost heaps to help grow trees that they'll sooner or later cut down.

The thing is, life on earth all evolved from the same epoch. While there may have been multiple outbursts of life in the goo back then it is highly unlikely that more than one survived and even if some did, in the billions-of-years scheme of things the events are effectively simultaneous.

What this means is that the humans and the earthworms (and the pandas) are all evolved to the same degree. The main difference is that the earthworms avoided feature-creep. They are the iPods of the animal kingdom: sufficiently functional with no additional fluff.

There is no superiority here. Some people would kill to have managers who are earthworms.

Earthworms function entirely without superfluous crap: no limbs, no heart, lungs, brain, eyes. They have only four organs: skin, oesophagus thingy, stomach thingy, intestine thingy. Done.
Nothing more, nothing less.

Well, I suppose there must be sex thingies in there somewhere as well otherwise they'd go the way of the panda.

Stupid pandas.

Beautiful Evil.

Why are churches, synagogues, mosques and temples, etc always such beautiful pieces of architecture? It seems such a waste.

Given that organised religion's main purpose is to accumulate power and money for its leaders it seems that they wouldn't particularly want to waste money on building beautiful places of worship, especially as the bible gives Christians an out: God says 'Nothing you build on earth can do me justice because I am so much way cooler than you freaks'.

That's not a direct quote because I can't be bothered looking up chapter and verse. Why don't you just pretend I'm a religious leader and so believe everything I say unconditionally? That would make things a lot easier, none of this 'proof' stuff to complicate matters.

Sadly, that's not likely to happen. It seems only the unbelievable can be believed by the religious types out there. Such a pity.

Where was I?

So, the religious leaders take the tithe which is ostensibly given to help the poor and is certainly collected to help the collectors' but somehow it gets spent on something that seemingly benefits neither- the place of worship.

A conundrum indeed.

My theory is that its like paying for advertising. Given that the religion can't actually perform miracles or such the only way to show their coolness is to build a huge hulking piece of beauty and permanence.

Further, its something of a sleight-of-hand as the beauty of the building serves to distract from the evil it represents.

No one would join a religion if it were in a hut because that's not sexy enough, nor would they join if the place looked evil and otherwise representative of the actuall goings-on. So the whole thing is addressed by the facade of beauty. More people join: more money and power is accumulated.

I can't wait for the day when religion is replaced by science and spirituality and the beautiful buildings heretofore dedicated to such immoral decrepitude can be put to more befitting uses like brothels and such.

I am free to dream.