I Swear!

The word 'Microsoft' is the name of a computer software company and is neither the name of nor a description of an erectile dysfunction. Ironically enough, use of Microsoft products does tend to cause, or at least exacerbate such problems.

Also, I have personally found that using Microsoft products has had a direct effect on my vocabulary: specifically, that I've run out of swear words in my need to express my frustration at the horrors thrust upon me. Even strings of expletives and new conjugations have not helped.
How does one invent a new swear word? The three best English swears have nice, therapeutic forms. Both 'sh!t' and 'f!ck' can be drawn out as long as you like as both 'sh' and 'f' can be pronounced forever. Then, both word end in a violent outburst of air. 'C!nt' takes the violent 'k' from 'f!ck' and the violent 't' from 'sh!t' and sticks them on either side of an abitrary vowel. As such it's a short, sharp explosion of anger when used correctly.

Overuse obviously negates the whole joy of the words. If they are as common as words like 'milk' and 'rake' then they lose their purpose. Notice that both 'milk' and 'rake' have the same form as 'sh!t' and 'f!ck'? That is, they start with a sound you can draw out, and end with a sharp sound. Despite these similarities, I would suggest not mixing your milk with your sh!t and to keep your rakes well away from your f!cks.

On the train, on the way home, when I'm slumming it with the people who live further from the city than I do, I notice that the use of the word 'f!ck' is pervasive. There is almost no other adverb or adjective besides 'f!cking'. This is a sad trend. I've already noticed that the venerable 'C' word is being invoked more often as a direct result.

If this trend continues then there are two important outcomes of which we should be aware. Firstly, we would need to ajust the number and score for the letters in Scrabble as most words would have been replaced by 'f!ck'. Secondly, we would need some new way of swearing; of expressing our disdain, anger and frustration.

I have a proposal because I am so fundamentally cool.

I'm assuming that all words, expletives or otherwise, can be arranged on a spectrum from 'nice' words that babies can use without retribution through to 'naughty' words, the ultimate of which is Mr C (or should that necessarily be Miss? Mrs?). Now, coming from a computing background, I am aware that a computer naturally has a maximum number it can represent. If you add one to this number, the result is zero. This is called 'wrapping around'. Now, if 'c!nt' is the 'maximum' swear word, then the next thing after that must be somewhere after a wrap around.

An example is in order. Let's say you're using your favourite Microsoft product and it all goes horribly wrong. You might exclaim: "Cute fluffy rabbits in beautiful green fields!". If, on the other hand, you're using your least favourite Microsoft product, you might apply wrap-around swearing with the following result "F!cking Sh!tting F!ck F!ck!" (note, we've assumed about ten wrap-arounds in this instance).

Interesting, this does actually work. Serious. Its therapeutic in a different way to the phonetics of the original swear words.

Sorry for ending this on a serious note- I'm such a cute ferret with puppy dog eyes.