Baby's Brown Boggy Bottom
God hates babies and parents. Exhibit A is the evil black slime the baby gives as its first gift of defecation.
Well, ok, maybe God doesn't hate them, may be it just likes pushing them. First it makes this undying love between parent and child and then it makes the child gross. The denizens of heaven probably have a bet going on as to how smelly and self befouling a baby can be while still allowing the whole parenting thing to work.
The individual who came up with 'cold air urine reflex' probably won awards- silver at least. Bronze went to the other individual who revised this lark so that the boy child's penis is oriented in one of two ways with the result being that either the child or the parent gets a good dose of pee in the face.
The race is on for the coveted gold medal. Areas of research include a method to allow a girl child to better aim. So far she only has the rather disappointing ability to pee on the parent's front.
We'll leave the number ones for a while and move onto number twos.
The thing about infant number twos is that they are not really number twos. Insofar as consistency is concerned, they are more like one-point-fives and from the point of view of the aromatic potency, they're probably fives.
No matter how absorbent a nappy is, the number twos (we'll stick with common nomenclature in spite of the above) will remain sufficiently wet so that they'll be able to penetrate under your finger nails. On the up side, a friend of mine stopped chewing his finger nails just after the birth of his first child.
Then there're the baby wipes. They are some clever bit of chemical engineering or something. The way the first few wipes know that they're the first few wipes and so actually spread the shit around rather than doing anything useful. How do they do that?
Finally, even though Adam and Eve saw their nakedness and were ashamed, babies seem to feel their nakedness and want to rejoice in it. If it comes to a fight between the Bible and a baby's instinct, I'm going to go for the baby's instinct. However, it is always disturbing that they're intention to paint the town red in celebration of the joy of nudity results in their actually painting the floor brown.
With a Geneva Convention banned package of biological warfare in hand to contend with so that it can be safely disposed of, it is difficult to keep the baby under control. God created octopi, squids and star fish to show that we could have had more hands if it chose so. But here we are with at least one limb too few. This means the baby feels the freedom (instincts are an amazing thing) and its all you can do to keep baby and nappy and sanity in control. And if you do manage to keep the baby stationary but have left their hands free, where will their hands go? I imagine that the popularity of finger painting with that goopy paint is due to the fact that, as children, we are denied the joy of playing with our own shit. Sure, if we could play with it, the images we create would be all sepia, and there's no real market for that at this time. Some enterprising children do manage to explore the art of finger painting using their nappy as the palette but the images have a kind of Dadaist feel to them, which is why children often learn to say 'dada' before 'mama'.
Some how, despite all this, there is still joy in parenting. And the hope that one day your child will probably experience all the shit you've put up with so far is always encouraging.
Well, ok, maybe God doesn't hate them, may be it just likes pushing them. First it makes this undying love between parent and child and then it makes the child gross. The denizens of heaven probably have a bet going on as to how smelly and self befouling a baby can be while still allowing the whole parenting thing to work.
The individual who came up with 'cold air urine reflex' probably won awards- silver at least. Bronze went to the other individual who revised this lark so that the boy child's penis is oriented in one of two ways with the result being that either the child or the parent gets a good dose of pee in the face.
The race is on for the coveted gold medal. Areas of research include a method to allow a girl child to better aim. So far she only has the rather disappointing ability to pee on the parent's front.
We'll leave the number ones for a while and move onto number twos.
The thing about infant number twos is that they are not really number twos. Insofar as consistency is concerned, they are more like one-point-fives and from the point of view of the aromatic potency, they're probably fives.
No matter how absorbent a nappy is, the number twos (we'll stick with common nomenclature in spite of the above) will remain sufficiently wet so that they'll be able to penetrate under your finger nails. On the up side, a friend of mine stopped chewing his finger nails just after the birth of his first child.
Then there're the baby wipes. They are some clever bit of chemical engineering or something. The way the first few wipes know that they're the first few wipes and so actually spread the shit around rather than doing anything useful. How do they do that?
Finally, even though Adam and Eve saw their nakedness and were ashamed, babies seem to feel their nakedness and want to rejoice in it. If it comes to a fight between the Bible and a baby's instinct, I'm going to go for the baby's instinct. However, it is always disturbing that they're intention to paint the town red in celebration of the joy of nudity results in their actually painting the floor brown.
With a Geneva Convention banned package of biological warfare in hand to contend with so that it can be safely disposed of, it is difficult to keep the baby under control. God created octopi, squids and star fish to show that we could have had more hands if it chose so. But here we are with at least one limb too few. This means the baby feels the freedom (instincts are an amazing thing) and its all you can do to keep baby and nappy and sanity in control. And if you do manage to keep the baby stationary but have left their hands free, where will their hands go? I imagine that the popularity of finger painting with that goopy paint is due to the fact that, as children, we are denied the joy of playing with our own shit. Sure, if we could play with it, the images we create would be all sepia, and there's no real market for that at this time. Some enterprising children do manage to explore the art of finger painting using their nappy as the palette but the images have a kind of Dadaist feel to them, which is why children often learn to say 'dada' before 'mama'.
Some how, despite all this, there is still joy in parenting. And the hope that one day your child will probably experience all the shit you've put up with so far is always encouraging.
posted by Brian | 19:35
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