University

People complain that 'you need a degree for everything these days'. Ironically, the same people who complain when some-or-other professional they've dealt with performs sub-standard work. Besides, their claim of a degree for everything is patently wrong.

There are no degrees for people seeking careers in the prostitution or pornography industries.

Imagine such a faculty at uni. Its not hard, there are videos about them. But imagine anyway. Given the amount of fornication and debauchery that occurs among uni students ordinarily, what could be expected of the students attending these courses? Probably they'd have tea parties and bake sales. Or they'd spend their time studying the course and doing their practical- oh- wait that's the same thing.

At least the students would get all their assignments and projects done on time. Ahead of time. Sleeping with the lecturer would not be taboo- it would be retermed as a 'practical exam'.

Assuming such a faculty would exist, what courses and degrees might it provide? Bachelor of Pimping? Bachelor of Applied Self?

In today's age of political correctness, it would be inappropriate to have course based on a person's sex or sexuality- this would require careful choice of core subjects. In fact, almost everything might need to be elective.

As utopian as this concept seems, I suppose there would actually have to be boring subjects in there as well. For the self employed street walker, there'd be a need for basic business skills, basic psychology for detecting sociopaths and basic psychology enabling you to convincingly tell your client that they are special/beautiful/well endowed/etc.

For the wannabe porn star, there would be acting classes consisting of the many different ways "god! oh god I'm coming! oh! oh!" can be inflected for effect.

If the porn star was going to limit themselves to still photos that they'd distribute via the web then I suppose they'd want a business aspect to the course as well.

I Swear!

The word 'Microsoft' is the name of a computer software company and is neither the name of nor a description of an erectile dysfunction. Ironically enough, use of Microsoft products does tend to cause, or at least exacerbate such problems.

Also, I have personally found that using Microsoft products has had a direct effect on my vocabulary: specifically, that I've run out of swear words in my need to express my frustration at the horrors thrust upon me. Even strings of expletives and new conjugations have not helped.
How does one invent a new swear word? The three best English swears have nice, therapeutic forms. Both 'sh!t' and 'f!ck' can be drawn out as long as you like as both 'sh' and 'f' can be pronounced forever. Then, both word end in a violent outburst of air. 'C!nt' takes the violent 'k' from 'f!ck' and the violent 't' from 'sh!t' and sticks them on either side of an abitrary vowel. As such it's a short, sharp explosion of anger when used correctly.

Overuse obviously negates the whole joy of the words. If they are as common as words like 'milk' and 'rake' then they lose their purpose. Notice that both 'milk' and 'rake' have the same form as 'sh!t' and 'f!ck'? That is, they start with a sound you can draw out, and end with a sharp sound. Despite these similarities, I would suggest not mixing your milk with your sh!t and to keep your rakes well away from your f!cks.

On the train, on the way home, when I'm slumming it with the people who live further from the city than I do, I notice that the use of the word 'f!ck' is pervasive. There is almost no other adverb or adjective besides 'f!cking'. This is a sad trend. I've already noticed that the venerable 'C' word is being invoked more often as a direct result.

If this trend continues then there are two important outcomes of which we should be aware. Firstly, we would need to ajust the number and score for the letters in Scrabble as most words would have been replaced by 'f!ck'. Secondly, we would need some new way of swearing; of expressing our disdain, anger and frustration.

I have a proposal because I am so fundamentally cool.

I'm assuming that all words, expletives or otherwise, can be arranged on a spectrum from 'nice' words that babies can use without retribution through to 'naughty' words, the ultimate of which is Mr C (or should that necessarily be Miss? Mrs?). Now, coming from a computing background, I am aware that a computer naturally has a maximum number it can represent. If you add one to this number, the result is zero. This is called 'wrapping around'. Now, if 'c!nt' is the 'maximum' swear word, then the next thing after that must be somewhere after a wrap around.

An example is in order. Let's say you're using your favourite Microsoft product and it all goes horribly wrong. You might exclaim: "Cute fluffy rabbits in beautiful green fields!". If, on the other hand, you're using your least favourite Microsoft product, you might apply wrap-around swearing with the following result "F!cking Sh!tting F!ck F!ck!" (note, we've assumed about ten wrap-arounds in this instance).

Interesting, this does actually work. Serious. Its therapeutic in a different way to the phonetics of the original swear words.

Sorry for ending this on a serious note- I'm such a cute ferret with puppy dog eyes.

Spurious Hair Syndrome

As I was shaving myself this morning, I noticed in the mirror that I have long, wiry, pale hairs poking out from my otherwise respectable eyebrows. Needless to say, this was devestating: I'm too young to have mad scientist eyebrows.

The situation caused me to reflect on that dastardly chemical testosterone. In addition to its effect on libido, sexual development, agressiveness and similar fun things, it also manipulates hair growth.

When you're thirteen, this hair growth thing is cool and exciting. But then testosterone turns nasty.

The Lord Testosterone giveth and the Lord Testosterone taketh away.

Here I am at the young age of 32 (young for anyone aged 32 and older, old for anyone going through the blessing phase of testosterone). Hair growth patterns are changing. Evil! Evil!

As per the 13 year old me, hair is appearing in places it hadn't before. Unlike the 13 year old me, these places are in no way 'cool'. I'm getting wiry hair in my nose and my ears and various other places I'd rather it wasn't (but I shall spare you some details).

I'm not entirely sure whether this is new hair or whether it is merely hair that has migrated from my head (and become wiry and travel worn in the progress).

All this because of the high levels of testosterone in my body. 'tis a double edged sword indeed.

If testosterone was a measure of manliness, then bald men are more manly than men with a full head of hair. But don't tell that to the weak men with low self esteem who keep hair replacement, hair regeneration and toupee makers in business. We wouldn't want to upset the economy.

I really don't understand people spending money to get a hair replacement or whatever. Do they hold themselves in such low regard that they need to have hair to seem like a worthwhile human being? That's sad. Their money would be better spent on counciling.

Same goes for all the similar stuff like plastic sugery or botox injections, etc. Its obscene that capitalist interests dwell on the insecurities of the these people.

I suppose, though, that that's what drives most capitalism. "What? You're listening to music but the earphone cord isn't white?! You're not using an iPod? Begone from my presence, loser."

White earphone cords, the cleverest advertising campaign ever. If only I could stick them in my ear without all that hair getting in the way.

Later that Same Day

It is unfortunate that people are forced to work for stupid companies doing stupid things; that Dilbert is a documentary more than a comic. What a significant waste of life and potential it is to be stuck doing these dull tasks for dull people.

What a whiner. But it's a sad fact.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not taking this lying down- I have a master plan of sorts. I'm getting out. So I'm not so much complaining about me or my lot in life; I think its a damn shame for all the other people who are trapped in the rat race and don't have whatever it is to get out.

Imagine this: the government restructures all its welfare (excepting health) such that each person is given a quota of 10 years welfare during which they can do whatever they want- university studies, start a company, get drunk, whatever. These ten years of welfare do not need to be taken all at once as that would be inefficient. But once the ten years are spent, that's it. No other welfare for you.

Would the people coming out of high school be wise enough to spend these ten years properly? Ideally, I would be thinking of someone taking a university course, working in the 'real world' and then, with their knowledge and experience, spending another few years on welfare doing something useful- starting a cool company, writing a great book/play/movie, joining doctors without borders or whatever.

Maybe the law would be such that you would be dissuaded from taking all ten years straight after high school? To stop fools pissing away everything and then bitching about it for the rest of their lives.

On the other hand, you might find people dying with a large portion of the ten years unspent. I don't understand it but there seems to be many people who can't stand not being told what to do; they can't entertain themselves or fill their time. The idea, to them, of retirement is abhorrent (where 'retirement' means, not having to work).

At the company where I am currently gainfully employed, we have the concept of the bench. This is where you go where there's no project for you to work on but you are still considered too important to let go.

To me, the bench is heaven: no boss, nothing to do. I fill in my time doing important things- learning new stuff from the web, designing things for my 'get out of hell' plan. But, unfathomable as it is, there are other who think the bench is boring- they can't wait to get back to work.

Are people so empty after the education system has gotten through with them that they can't command their own time?! What the hell is this?!

I really feel that I am in the minority here. Its seems most others have had desires and goals and ideas beaten out of them and replaced with subservience instead.

I don't get it.

It would make for and interesting study.

If I had time.

The First Day

Whatever I type here will be available for posterity. Marking me as either an unheralded intellect who has come before his time or as a wanker.

It's pretty intimidating. Writing something I can't take back and making it available for all and sundry out there in the real world. You and the person reading over your shoulder. Making decisions in the 10 seconds of attention span you've graciously given me in this internet world.

Ten seconds is a long time, actually, I doubt you've given me that much. Its ironic that machines and computers are always heralded as making our lives easier, so that we'll have more free time for the fun stuff while the computers do the dull stuff. Just in case you didn't notice- that hasn't happened.

Instead, the computer and machines do the dull stuff really, really quickly and then hand it over to the meat to do the stuff that the metal can't. The thing is, the machines produce much more output than we've ever needed to process before. And people expect things faster than ever before. And so, people work harder than what we were promised. Sucks eh?

I've not read James Gleick's Faster so I'm not sure if I've just paraphrased him in any way. I'll read it someday I suppose.

Maybe.

If I have time.